(la tía) told me she was asked to take her, and then started in at all the reason’s why she didn’t want her. All I said and still say again, I’ll take her. I said I’d make it work. I had a job, was getting money from a workman’s comp thane where I hurt my back bad at a past job. She could go to the school near me and I’d change my hour’s so I could take her to and from school. It took me not even a second and I wanted to be her Mom. And thought I could get my Food Stamp’s back from (la tía) had took them and only bought food she wanted and said it was mine too, but I never had a say what I wanted. I got all my food from fast food and the 99 cent store. There were cheap apartments down the street where I was talking to girls at work to move in with at the time. I would have made it work with Janine. I was thinking nonstop in my mind at that time and couldn't stop my desire to help that child.
(la tía) started to say again how she couldn’t afford her, and she was too old to be the Mother to a preteen girl. All I said is ether you want her or you don’t and if you won’t I’ll take her. I never had to thank about wanting her. All I knew is some of what her birth Mother put her threw and that it was a miracle that child was alive. She needed a home with no drama and no fighting, a loving home of understanding and respect. I failed her, I realize now painfully what I should of done. I should of went to her Mother’s house to speak to and in some way got full adoption paper’s signed. I should of tried harder to be what that child needed of me/ wanted of me to be. Not what seemed at the time easy, but wasn’t because I had to watch what was happening from the side. Trying to be a Mother to a girl that she didn't understand anything about just always assuming she knew that child better then me.
That child had been through so much pain from a young age and had been fighting within herself for so long. He life wasn't important to her, her thoughts she kept hidden in fear of what would be done against her. Food was a rare gift when she was allowed it. Clothes that fit weren't given. Her world was dirty and filled with uncleaned actions from those around her. Her pain she hid with a smile as she lived in shame.
Really (la tía) knew of my past of abuse as a child, by her husband. Why wouldn't I be able to understand some of the nature of that child's pain.
Because of this I knew that in moments of deep depression you don’t fight-lash out-tease that person. It will only being a disheartening affect to the outcome to that person’s life. I couldn’t care what it does to the person doing all that shit. I knew a bit of the hell that child was trapped in, sad to say bought out more metal issues then I feel that child ever would have had if not for knowing someone. I found out the next day (la tía) was taking her but told me I was going to have to help with financially rising that child. Even though I couldn't be her Mom, I still didn't mind if it was for that child. So that child was coming to live with us and I was happy, I had some saving’s and went shopping for clothes and toys. Wasn't much but it was more then she had.
That child was thrown out with only the clothes on her back. They were dirty, torn, she appeared to be 4inches to tall for her pants. Very under fed, you see the type of person her Mother was. Was the Man comes first, you cook your meal for the man and yourself. Then what the man doesn't finish he gives to the boy, which gets his fill then passes the same plate down the line. Like you would let a pet taste your food off your plate.
(la tía) picked me up from work one afternoon and told me the good news that child was at the house. I was given a warning not to get to close, that she was shy and wouldn't open up to me. I walked in to the house and sat down with in minutes she came over and sat on my lap and was laughing and hugging me. I turned and saw (la tía) give me the evil eye. The rest of the night (la tía) kept saying that she was the only one that wanted her and that she had nowhere else to go. (la tía) told that child in front of me that “you can call me (her name), (la tía), or mom” in which (la tía) looked at me and smiled. I knew what (la tía) way doing, but didn’t want to play with a child’s emotions in anyway. She had been through so much I never wanted her to deal with more. So I didn’t speak up at all the lie’s and was trying to be okay with being near her.
That weekend was nice to start getting to know her. She liked to hold on to my hand and I loved it, to be honest. But School came around and that started problems. She hated the school she was going to, she had a hard time forcing on the teacher and turning in lessons. She was labeled a problem student because of all the miss days she had for the school year. Keeping her in the same school I really thought was pointless. It wasn't very close and she had issues with the being picked on. She had anxiety attacks for going to school, not all school’s just that one. I brought up home school for her where the teacher comes to your house once a week. Was told by (la tía) 'you're working and I don't have time'. Okay (la tía) thought it would be easy to raise a child with problems. LOL mind you (la tía) when I was there spent her time shopping, going to her friends, and clubbing at night. But that was before the child came into are lives and the only difference I saw changed was there was more screaming and I watched that child a lot at night. I recall (la tía) getting that child to go to school by saying “I’m not going to jail for you”. Ever morning for the most part it was the same fight with those two about school and how (la tía) was always sending her back. Children are one thing you just can’t send back when you have a problem with them, that they don’t do as they're told. It isn't food, if they have a few bruises on them then there ruined. We are all made up of right and wrong moments, good and bad habit’s. If you send a child back for because of them, because you fouled yourself in thinking raising a child would be easy. It's not easy, it's work to teach them well.Yes I do know some parents don't try to raise there children well. But then you have those that go all out for there children. Finding the time to listen and hearing them out. Guiding them not in the wrong direction.
One morning I came into the house to get ready for work and say by to everyone. (la tía) got off the phone as I came into the living room one morning and said that she can get more money from the government if she has a child with special needs. (la tía) 'A Foster Child with Mental problems I can get a few hundred more monthly if she stays with me and I don't adopt her'. I know I told (la tía) that she didn’t have big problems, just issues to talk about. Nonetheless it didn’t stop what (la tía) was about to do to the mental state of a child. I remember so clearly what I saw the next day as I entered the kitchen to walk to the living room where they were both were sitting. (la tía) was coaching a Child how to have multiple personality’s. Telling her that when you’re happy that’s 1, when your sad that’s 1 or angry is another. I listened to (la tía) state every emotion with a follow up, that’s another personality. (la tía) stopped when she got up to 10 different mental personalty inside her.
By Mayo Clinic Staff
- Dissociative amnesia. The main symptom of this disorder is memory loss that's more severe than normal forgetfulness and that can't be explained by a medical condition. You can't recall information about yourself or events and people in your life, especially from a traumatic time. Dissociative amnesia can be specific to events in a certain time, such as intense combat, or more rarely, can involve complete loss of memory about yourself. It may sometimes involve travel or confused wandering away from your life (dissociative fugue). An episode of amnesia may last minutes, hours, or, rarely, months or years.
- Dissociative identity disorder. This disorder, formerly known as multiple personality disorder, is characterized by "switching" to alternate identities. You may feel the presence of one or more other people talking or living inside your head, and you may feel as though you're possessed by other identities. Each of these identities may have a unique name, personal history and characteristics, including obvious differences in voice, gender, mannerisms and even such physical qualities as the need for eyeglasses. There also are differences in how familiar each identity is with the others. People with dissociative identity disorder typically also have dissociative amnesia and often have dissociative fugue.
- Depersonalization-derealization disorder. This disorder involves an ongoing or episodic sense of detachment or being outside yourself — observing your actions, feelings, thoughts and self from a distance as though watching a movie (depersonalization). Other people and things around you may feel detached and foggy or dreamlike, and the world may seem unreal (derealization). You may experience depersonalization, derealization or both. Symptoms, which can be profoundly distressing, may last only a few moments or come and go over many years.
Causes
By Mayo Clinic StaffPersonal identity is still forming during childhood. So a child is more able than an adult is to step outside of himself or herself and observe trauma as though it's happening to a different person. A child who learns to dissociate in order to endure an extended period of youth may use this coping mechanism in response to stressful situations throughout life.
Risk factors
By Mayo Clinic StaffAt that time I found out at the local Library that misdiagnosing someone with multiple personalities. From a few web sites that scared me that the medication given. Could lead to developing the condition, that and if you believe what others are saying about your own mental health. Later I looked it up and found this:
1. Antidepressant drugs: These include citalopram, venlafaxine, phenelzine, fluoxetine, and sertraline. These drugs help reduce depression in some dissociative identity disorder patients. Antidepressants must be taken only under expert guidance as some of them have several side effects. Any change in the patient’s behavior due to the effect of medication must be monitored consistently.
2. Depressants: Depressants are used to calm down certain dissociative identity disorder patients displaying violent and manic behavior. These drugs temporarily diminish hyperactivity of the brain. They are used to prevent seizures or respiratory disorders that can be associated with a dissociative identity disorder. Examples of depressants include carisoprodol, atropine, benzodiazepines, and cyclobenzaprine.
3. Antipsychotic medication: These include chlorpromazine, aripiprazole, Risperdal®, Haldol®, and mellaril. These dissociative identity disorder drugs are used when the patient exhibits psychotic behavior. They work as mood stabilizers as well. Even if the dissociative identity patient is not diagnosed with psychosis, these drugs can be used to tranquilize and stabilize the mood. The drugs should be used strictly under the prescription and guidance of an expert physician.
4. Anxiety medication: These drugs are used for the treatment of
dissociative identity patients who display excessive anxiety, or when
anxiety is a trigger for dissociative identity disorder behavior.
Anxiety can sometimes be an associated condition caused by dissociative
identity problems. These medications help reduce anxiety. Xanax®,
librium, valium, and ativan are some examples.
5. Stimulants: These are used as dissociative identity disorder
drugs when the patient displays severe depression, or in cases where
depression is a cause of dissociative identity problems. Stimulants
improve the central nervous system's response and make the person alert,
wakeful, and active. This medication should only be taken in
recommended doses and on a physician’s prescription. In addition, these
medications are not suitable for some dissociative identity disorder
patients. Examples of stimulant drugs include midafinil,
methylphenidate, caffeine, and dextroamphetamine.I spoke with her after her and (la tía) stopped going over her lines for the next day. You see that child had a physic evaluation the very next morning (la tía) wanted to make sure that what she wanted that child to say was up to par. She told me the real reason why she went along with the teaching of (la tía)’s twisted mind. (la tía) had told her if she didn’t do it the way she wanted, she would send her back to her birth Mother. To come from a hellish home life, right into the arms of another form. I called a state worker about what was happening and nothing was ever done. You see (la tía) saved the clothes she came to the house in and would always say once or more a day “I’ll send you back in the same clothes you came here with, your Mother’s not getting clothes I bought”. I have never hidden the fact that I wanted that child as mine responsible and I had plans to adopt her some day. Adopting a child you need a room for that child, a good job-meaning a strong work history or a way to provide for that child. I needed to get a place of my own and I had only been at my job for a little over half a year, I needed time for those things. I really did try not to get close, but if you ever met her you’d know. Its not possible not to fall in love with her. I knew a very different girl then (la tía) ever has known. That child was very respectful, loving, trustworthy and loyal. We had talks all the time and it broke my heart to leave her behind.
That child was made to lie to a Therapist. Act in a different way, because she was told to give names to her emotions. Because they were personalty's not emotions. Because of her up bring to that point from her Mother. Because of what (la tía) told the Therapist about how she acted. This lead the Multiple Personality’s/ Dissociative Identity Disorder.
(la tía) always told her how there was no one that cared or wanted her. That I didn’t love her or was ever coming back just for her. Because honestly getting her was always on my mind and if not adopting her myself, if she would have me. Is finding her parents that truly will love her enough to show her both right and wrong. And always be there for her, thank of her needs over there’s at every turn. And people that would never even in anger make threats to send her back to her birth Mother or a sister that would beat on her. (la tía) never adopted her, because the money from the state would stop. What a woman, to use a child only for monthly added income. Please, how is it that (la tía) got away with having her for any longer then that first day. (la tía) had a hard time having Janine do anything for her, often time’s she would ask me if she really had to listen to (la tía). It hurt but I told her she had to for the time being.
I always said I had no regrets because to do so would mean I didn’t like who I had become. That child is my biggest and could be my only greatest regret is leaving her were she was and not taking her or finding her a real home. I had to move out because (la tía) raised the rent not even weeks before the next month. When I moved in I was paying by Food Stamps I say that because I never got them, I had the card for a few days and then never saw it but when (la tía) or her son would use it. I’d tell (la tía) what I wanted and and it was always “you don’t need that, nobody likes that” I’m not buying that with my money. We talked about rent and I agreed that she could have them after a few days seeing how it was already like. We agreed that it was rent for the month, if she could keep them as hers. I was paying $100.00 every month, when I first moved in that was fine for rent and then changed when I got more money. I got the job and paid her more because she offered to take me to work and pick me up some time’s. However, the first paycheck I got rent went up and so on. It got to the point that I was working 40+ only clock in and you had to clock out for break’s, lunch, and bathroom breaks. I was getting a little over $5/ an hour. I was paying rent $200/ to 300/, depending on the month and if (la tía) needed to shop more, Gas $70/, Food $150/. All and not counting my food, I worked it that I lived off $30/ to $50/ food and for the bus or if I wanted something. Or buy something for someone I had to save and it might have only been at the 99 cent store. I didn’t have any really left and then (la tía) ups the rent as if she knew I’d be on the street. I made a big mistake and trusted her with information about a lawsuit I had going at the time. I was to get some money and I wanted to go to school with it, and get a apartment. But (la tía) told me I owed her back payment for everything, because I trusted (la tía) enough that I paid her in cash as I was told I had to or it would mess up her monthly checks. Now get this I was going to get $7,500/, I owed (la tía) over $7,000/ within a matter of minutes after me telling (la tía) what I was going to be getting. I spoke with my Mom over the phone and told her what was happening and she said to move back in with them, I said yes without thinking. I didn’t have to because I knew if I didn’t leave (la tía)’s house it would just get worse and that I would never be able to afford living there more then a few more months at the rate my rent was always being raised. In the short time frames without notice, one month my rent went up twice. Sure I had places to go but I always had a bad feeling about the state I was in at that time. Not because of any reason but (la tía)’s first husband was a molester, second was same. Only I was older when he tried.This lead to my family and (la tía) having a falling out tell (la tía) lost the second husband.
I told that child week’s before, but I really didn’t have too. She came out to my shack of a room, (la tía)’s storage room, Black Mold and hole’s to the dirt ground, no bath room. Always having to have all her dog’s in there every time it rained or what ever animal she wanted at the time. That child came to the room and one of are talk’s about school and she told me '(la tía) turned to her saying that she wished I was her Mom and asked if I could be her Mom', after that she asked me if she could call me Mom. We’ve had many talk’s about this very thing of me becoming her adopted Mother, and she always knew I wanted her. But she always told me that she stayed with (la tía) always for me, so that one day I could adopt her myself. I had told her time and time how I felt I couldn’t stay there any longer. I had grew old of the games and the clubbing at my age of how old I felt at the time, I was to old for it. So the day before I was to leave and still I never once told (la tía) a word, she didn’t deserve that to me. I spoke with that child and was very clear that I loved her and still do, I was going to write and we were going to call each other all the time. But that never happened, every letter I sent I got back with (la tía) writing “Return to Sender, save a stamp, no longer here, moved, refereed”. About a week latter I got a letter in the mail addressed to my parents and myself, but also had remarks about my brother as well. In it there was a letter I had wrote to (la tía) asking her if me and that child could still have any form of contact.
[That I had put a money order in of the last of what I owed her and maybe even over what I did, she wrote “you can live with it I can live without it”(la tía). I’ve done all the math and I wish you the best for life. You truly deserve to find that one true love of your life. I hold nothing to you-we all make mistakes, but please understand my path is very different from yours in so many ways and Greed I’m going to have to face in the next coming year’s so much. I don’t need in family. I hope one day we’ll be able to make peace in the further. I’ve put a note for Janine please read and if you see fit to give or not to her I’ll understand and I understand why, so I forgive the spell but it won’t work on me sorry I know you wanted to hurt me. But I always will only want the best for you all. Love]
So it’s been year’s know and when I thank back I still get pissed off. I’m still mad about what she put a child through and I could learn to forgive someone for screwing me over, but a child. (la tía) lost any hope of ever being anything to me, I really could careless if (la tía)’s sorry for anything she did to me. The letter I wrote to Janine I wrote because I didn’t want Janine to feel the way (la tía) always had her feel each time (la tía) would ask “do you want to go back to your Mother’s”. I thought I might be able to let her know that I never would/ never could forget about her or stop loving her. (la tía) read it like I knew she would and wrote in her words “you of all persons giving advice! Crazy”. Janine, Remember are talk, be good and listen to others that are older then you. Please give the life that’s before you a chance and look at where you’ve been and be thankful for all you have been given by those around you. (la tía) and me that’s –your not in it, so know that I do love you and will try to write as I’ve told you from time to time. Go to class and stop fighting with your sister. (la tía) mean’s well and give her some lead way, she may not always understand you, but remember she always has your best at heart. Love always Yes I did lie some, I felt I had to about (la tía). Having her best at heart and to listen to (la tía). Truth was I wanted tell her to run away, come and find me or someplace safe to hide. I just have to say reading the letter (la tía) wrote to or should say at me and mine, I still hate her. There were lie’s and then there were laugh’s, I mean funny stuff. You see my whole family for the most part are all the same faiths, (la tía) when I lived with her I was trying to stay away from Wicca. (la tía) I don’t know what type of pagan she see, but she’s no Wiccan. Wiccan’s believe in the good, white magic. You don’t force anyone to do anything just because you can, you don’t mess with the universe. (la tía) was the first that took me to a New Age store, I never went but once without her. And her friend that always told me stuff like “your gonna to get kidnapped and die if you move back to CA”. But truthful is it was all to scare me, nothing I was ever told by her came true. (la tía) also had two Ouija boards (Pint and Hever), that said had me go on nearly every night.
That she would move the glass eye to where she wanted it to go. She thought I was stupid and I was for doing anything with her. The only three good thanes that out from everything. That child, I got to spend more time with my Grandpa before he died (suppose to be routine surgery and got a staph infection that the hospital didn’t want to admit). In the letter (la tía) also wrote lies about my Grandpa, in hopes it would hurt me. Saying I was the reason he was dead, and that he wanted to save (la tía) from me. She made stabbs at my parents, brother and she lost family over it. Not me she lost me the day I saw her coach that child on how to have Multiple Personality’s, but she lost my brother because (la tía) lied about him. My parents never really spoke to her again, because what she did to me but also what she applied about my Dad. Was plain hurtful and gave the fault reality of how my Grandpa was with my Dad. My Dad and Mom were the only one’s of their kid’s or son or daughter-in law’s to always be there every time my Grandparents needed help or just for time spent with them. Its moronic to think that family that only goes to your house to steal food, condoning there way of getting a house for nothing, letting your son steal from your Father after his death, cheating on your husband with your next, lying about others all because you don’t want anyone to really know the shit you pull. Yeah I have to say knowing (la tía) has completely changed me, and what family mean’s. This is most of the letter (la tía) sent to me and mine, plain in simple just to try to hurt anyone (la tía) could. Writing it in such a way that if it ever got out that (la tía) would look like a perfect person in the faith that she's not even in, what is one more lie-right?
Years went by and my Grandma would tell my Mom story’s about the trouble that child was in at school and home. I’ve spoken to Medical Doctor’s of this and since I’ve been in a different state, they’ve have said the same thane. To give a child or for that matter any one Medical Pill’s for the mind for any reason that the patient does not have, can and will cause permanent damage to there brain. Get this she has been on Multiple Personality Medication for year’s now and now there saying it might have been something else. What a joke right to completely fuck up a child’s mind, no biggie right. I mean it's not like you're killing a person or is it, you're killing who they would have been without all the drugs. The life they might have had if you had never entered there life. Your destroying apart of them, you're killing apart of who they were. Then it's woe is me when the Medication makes them crazy, acted out and changes them. You have no one to blame but you for ending a child’s life, apart of the human race’s further. All I want to do is make up somehow for the the pain has put a child through, first with her birth Mother and then the life with (la tía). She has always deserved better. But always has known drama within her life. I pray someday that child will get the life she was meant to lead and then the world will see that child shine-truly.
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